Wow... I haven't written in over a year.  Time sure does fly.  Like hell it flies.  This is crazy.  I didn't even know where to start with this new post, but I just knew it was overdue.  Sure is.

My son turned 2 the other day.  He is one of two little joys in my life.  I never wanted kids when I was younger.  In fact, I thought my mom, a stay-at-home mom, had the worst job in the world next to the garbage collector.  Now I wish I had more time with my kids like a stay-at-home mom does.  Am I missing out, just so we can live in a nicer house and have new things?  It's not like we're rolling in the dough... I'm married to a public servant and I do menial accounting work.  I'm not a CPA, I'm a musician who needed to pay the bills.  I do my job well, or at least I used to.  I don't even care about it anymore.

So, here I am.  Thirty six in September.  What do I do with my life now?  I think so many of us ask this question and no one has a freakin' clue to what the answer is.  I know I don't.  I just want to inherit a bunch of money and live comfortably.  Is that too much to ask?

My daughter is turning 6 in a few days.  What I wouldn't give to make her life as easy as possible.  I hear about people with trust funds who have no end to the amount of money they can blow through, and I can't help but be extremely jealous.  I want it that easy.  I'm sure there are downfalls to that, but haven't I lived the "Paycheck to paycheck" life long enough?  I'm tired of it.

So, in June, the month of my daughter's birthday, I'm going to turn a new leaf.  I've got a bad habit of eating out...all the time.   This is not only bad for my bank account, but bad for my waistline, too.  Wish me luck.  I hope this is going to change some things, and maybe even allow me to cut some hours at work.  Less work = more time with the kids before they grow up in the blink of an eye.

Two and Six year olds... They keep me grounded and constantly trying to figure things out.  I've got to make these changes, not only for me, but for them.  They deserve a mom who is there for them more than an hour and a half per night.  They need college savings and hell, even cars in a short 10 years.   I'm not saying they're going to get everything they want and everything handed to them, but it's better to aim for that than to aim for my next yummy, fattening meal out.

Time for change.

Thought of the Day

I usually don't blog that often, but my last one was kind of plain jane because I had other things on my mind besides Christmas. It seems I was just blogging about how much money we have (which is totally not true). What I meant to get at on the last blog is how lucky we are to have health, jobs, cars, and a roof over our heads. End of point.

Today's thought of the day is brought to you by the letter E! I have been thinking a lot lately about being myself. Me - who am I? Am I the good wife? The good mother? The good employee? The good friend? The stinky girl in class? I'm starting to wonder who I am and where I'm going. Thirty-four is a good age, right? Isn't this the decade where you start to get your shit together? Why isn't my shit together, or is it together and I'm just unaware? I have a good job, I've got two wonderful kids, an adoring husband and a mortgage! What else do I need?

Maybe I'm just having one of those weeks - very reflective. It's another new year, which might be why I'm feeling this way. Happy new year. :)

Xmas 2010

This year's Christmas was definitely one of spoilage! Anne received just about everything the stores have to offer a 4 year old. She got a little boombox with a working microphone, princess dresses and gear to go with, and many other little things that I'm sure she just couldn't live without. She is slightly spoiled.

Charlie, on the other hand, got the shaft this year. He's only 7 months so I figure we have this Christmas and next to jip him. With all of the things to buy girls for Christmas, I don't know how we could possibly make it "even" between the two kids in future present dousing.

Gil and I got wonderful presents from each other. I got him a Blues jersey with HENSON (#4) on the back and he got me a nice purse with the kids' picture on both sides. I absolutely love it! He was wearing the jersey today, so I think he loves his gift too. Anne tried it on - we have pictures that I should probably add here.

Gil has had the week off - lucky him! He's had a daddy/daughter day and a daddy/son day so far. Tomorrow I have the day off too, well three days off actually, so I'm looking forward to some family time. All in all, it has been a wonderful Christmas and we're so lucky that we're able to spoil one another like we have. Very lucky. And, we have our health. What else could we ask for? To be debt-free maybe? :) Someday.

Pumpkins and pumpkins

We recently visited a pumpkin patch with my best friend, Dawn, and her family. The kids loved every minute of it. It was also the first time I had seen Anne swing on her own. She was so proud of herself! She looked adorable with her little pig-tails and her little purple, plaid, and denim dress. Charlie was only 4 1/2 months old, so not much to talk about, but he sure does smile a lot. It's one of those joys that can melt a mother's heart when both children are happy and smiling. Makes me think we're doing something right. These are my pumpkins...

I think they are the most precious things on earth. I wish every parent felt this way about their kids. No more child abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse. There was a woman who recently locked her autistic son in the attic in the 90 degree summer heat in Kansas City. She is being charged with attempted murder. It's people like her who make me wish we still had stoning! Or maybe we can just throw big pumpkins at her! That would make for a good pumpkin patch...Full circle - did you see it coming? I didn't. :)

Love and Marriage

I don't know why, but spouses seem to come to me for advice on marriage. I'm a fairly good listener, but I think what draws them to me is that I've been divorced myself. I think they're looking for that someone who they see has had a better life after divorce.

So, having that better life, it's really difficult for me to say "Hang in there, tiger!" or "Keep working on it and it'll get better!" For me, when my marriage was over, I knew it, and I moved on - immediately. I guess that's the type of person I am - impatient. Once I realized that my ex was really not in love with me, but rather with the idea of me, there was no going back. Even though he tried his petty ways to get me back, when given the option to split or not and he chose to split, it was sealed. No going back. If you don't love me and want to work on it with me, then go to hell. There's no fixing it if one half has never really, deeply loved the other half. Don't be with someone just to be with someone, if you know what I mean.

Which leads me to my issue of giving advice. I really want to say "Move on already!" but the man is married to my good friend. With the spot their lives are in right now, I can't say what I want to say to him. And, there's the other side of it - what can I tell his wife, my friend?!? I want to warn her because I feel like the end is near. And if she can do anything to get him to stay, I would want her to do whatever it takes. But what do you say in this case? We're in mid-chat as I type this, by the way...

Part of me wonders if some people marry just to be married, or to have a companion. No passion necessary. This is how it was with my first marriage - on his side of it. I was completely in love with him but didn't realize until 6 years into our relationship that it was not reciprocated. Not the best feeling in the world. He was a good faker though. I'm surprised I could trust again after that, but I thank my lucky stars for my husband now.

Now my chat with Mr. Unhappily Married has come to an end for the night. I actually gave him hope! I feel so good after this chat. I may have actually helped their marriage if he follows through with what we talked about. Normally we end on a note where I wonder if I'll be getting a call from my friend the next day, in tears because he's left her. But not this time. I can finally go to bed after this little chit chat and feel ok with their lives tonight. It would be my secret pleasure if their marriage ended up being one of those "happily ever after" kind of marriages. Cross your fingers.

I Pitty The Fool

Today was a rare occasion at our house; a garage sale. We hate doing garage sales... But, it was time to get rid of some stuff. It's amazing how much crap you can accumulate over a few years! The other thing that amazed me is how attached I found myself to be to my little girl's baby clothes. Boy, I used to pitty people who were emotionally attached to items such as clothing or furniture, you know, the people they make shows about these days. I made fun of such people for being weaker than I somehow. But there I was, getting that lump in my throat as I picked up one of my daughter's old dresses from a bin of clothes we had for sale. Eyes started to water... "Pick yourself up, there are people around," I said to myself. Easier said than done, but I managed to swallow the lump and the tears never made their way to my face after all. Success.

So, now what? Do I keep some of her little baby clothes? My husband laughed at the idea when a friend mentioned doing so. I laughed along. After all, I pitty the people who hold onto such things... Not me... I would never.

But, I'm afraid I'm going to have to dig into those bins of clothes on garage sale day #2. I have to swallow my pride and give myself a little satisfaction, a little piece of my daughter's "history", and keep some of those darling little clothes. I'll deal with my inner purger another day with other items. For now, I need to hold onto those sweet little memories while I have them, even if they are attached to purple dresses and pink socks.